Just for fun, what would be your last text before the plane crashes?

PASSENGERS on a flight from Corfu wrote goodbye texts to loved ones after their plane suffered a terrifying engine fire. Just for a laugh, what would your last panicked SMS be? ‘O guav plaweft crqaspi dongo waanryu49 diiii’ A violently shaking aircraft and your imperious turning off of autocorre

PASSENGERS on a flight from Corfu wrote goodbye texts to loved ones after their plane suffered a terrifying engine fire. Just for a laugh, what would your last panicked SMS be?

‘O guav plaweft crqaspi dongo waanryu49 diiii’

A violently shaking aircraft and your imperious turning off of autocorrect while on terra firma may result in this. Still, the enigmatic puzzle you’ve left for your loved ones to pore over means they’ll remember you as long as a sudoku.

‘Darko I wheelwright alternate lurk YouTube’

Similarly, the message ‘Darling I will always love you’ is made somewhat less touching due to the hurried nature of your text and bloody autocorrect.

‘About to die. Mind gone blank’

Talk about being put on the spot. You’ve got to express your feelings for your partner, bemoan the abrupt end of a life spanning more than 40 years, and outline some brief instructions about grieving but moving on. And you’ve never been good under pressure.

‘Dear Church of England. I would like to have it on record that I now believe in God’

The rules on deathbed forgiveness of sins are unclear, almost as if the Church was making them up on the fly, so worth a shot. Who says you can’t repent and find the Lord on a plummeting low-cost German airline?

‘Remember to lower the water pressure on the boiler’

Confronted by the daunting concept of your consciousness ceasing to exist, your mind is only capable of focusing on the most trivial of mundanities. Damn. You should have told them to use up that hummus too.

‘Iain, you are a massive wanker’

It’s probably wrong to use your last moments to settle petty grudges, but it’s your death. Other people you’d like to berate are: your bitch of a sister-in-law, that f**king useless plumber and Alan Shearer, who’s a shit pundit. Hopefully you’ve got time before impact. Hopefully someone passes it on to him.

‘Look out for signs I’ve come back as a ghost’

You’ve seen enough horror films to realise ghosts often have difficulty making the living aware of their existence. A year down the line you don’t want your partner constantly having great sex with her new boyfriend while you’re rolling a child’s ball down the hallway like a cuck.

‘Dear Emma. 1. I love you. 2. Love is a common emotion celebrated through the ages by poets and writers. 3. No credible evidence exists of life after death.’

As the plane enters a final nosedive, you’re starting to regret getting ChatGPT to write your final text.